Grief Heals

Grief does not require strength it requires vulnerability

We are helpless when it comes to death. There is absolutely no way we can manage, control or stop it. It’s going to happen to each and every one of us. And before it’s our turn at the deli counter, we will be confronted with the deaths of those we cannot imagine living without.

And we HATE that. We hate that we might lose them. We hate that we have lost them. We hate that death could creep up on us at any moment. We HATE it all.

So when death pays a visit and we come face to face with how truly vulnerable we are, the most natural response in the world is to try to outrun those feelings of helplessness.

And many do manage to outrun the feelings for a time at least, but the “trying to be strong” strategy almost always backfires by either creating chronic depression or delaying the ultimate confrontation with loss.

Trying to be strong.

Yes, we can put on a happy face and bury the pain. We can lock it away with all of the other painful experiences of our lives. Just pile it in there one pain, one disappointment, one loss, one death at a time…

Until one day we can’t keep the lid on. We’ve turned ourselves into a festering pit of pain that starts oozing out…or one tiny last straw brings about a volcanic explosion of every painful emotion we have ever tried to stuff.

Sometimes the explosion feels totally unrelated to any of our losses but manifests instead as irrational, explosive rage or unexplained, unstoppable tears.

For those of us who are more adept at “being strong,” the grief and anger most often turn inward leading to depression.

No matter how it plays out, sooner or later, the buried pain of grief raises its ugly head and it can bring us to our knees…and there we are again, face to face with our own vulnerability.

So is there an alternative? Yes there is. The key to moving through the pain and suffering of grief is to yield to our vulnerability. I know it sounds so counterintuitive but there it is.

Allowing the vulnerability.

In How to Survive Your Grief I write about how incredibly wise grief is when we give it free reign to go where it needs to go.

Though I know that to be true, I certainly understand why it sounds outlandish to so many. Grief feels wrong, so very wrong. It’s hard to imagine anything positive coming out of it. When we’re in the earliest days of grief, it’s impossible to even imagine feeling any better never mind trusting there might be some wisdom there of which we might partake.

Yet, I believe, this is exactly what grief asks of us…to open our hearts to the pain, to the truth, to the memories. To yield to our vulnerability rather than running from it. To embrace the brokenness rather than trying to hold it all together. It comes back together in time reconfigured and whole, but it only works when we allow ourselves the vulnerability of falling apart, of being broken.

It is out of our vulnerability and brokenness that we are reborn, able to taste the real joy life still has to offer and embrace the sweet memory of the loved one who died.

Tweetable…
“Grief does not require us to be strong it requires us to be vulnerable” @survivegrief

Photo Credit:Asif Akbar

Tags: being strong, helpless when it comes to death, strength, vulnerability
Posted in Normal Grief

Changed by Death: How willing are you to be transformed?

“Healing through grief does not mean remaining unchanged.”

~ How to Survive Your Grief

The capacity and willingness to be changed by death may be the distinguishing characteristic between those who heal from loss and those who don’t.

In end of life care, we often talk about how people die the way they have lived. Those who have embraced life fully often meet death as the next great adventure while those who have lived more cautiously often experience tremendous fear.

For those of us left behind, the willingness to be transformed by the experience of death and grief can open new pathways into life, a life quite different from the one we lived with the person who died, but life nonetheless.

A certain amount of resistance is normal and to be expected when faced with the monumental changes brought on by the death of someone we love. This is especially true and quite normal in the first few months following a death but when resistance is extreme or prolonged, intractable grief is often the result.

None of us really likes change especially when it means we must go on without someone we counted on to be there, but some of us embrace it better than others.

In many ways the capacity to change, or not, is a personality trait that existed long before we were confronted with death. A death just brings our capacity for change (or lack thereof) to the surface, and with it a huge opportunity for growth (yes, I know it sucks).

It’s okay if that growth is accompanied by a lot of kicking and screaming as long as we don’t just dig in our heels and refuse to meet the challenge.

Some signs you might be resisting change…

1. You’ve never done well with change even before this death occurred.

2. You think this death was wrong, wrong, wrong.

3. You insist you’ll never get over it…not ever.

Disclaimer: During the first few months it seems unimaginable that you will ever feel any better. That’s normal. What’s not normal is feeling that way years later.

4. You resist any suggestion you might need some help.

5. You think the real problem is that no one understands.

6. It’s been years and you’re still in unrelenting pain.

Some ways to expand your capacity for change while grieving…

1. Be gentle with yourself.

Grieving the loss of someone who died is probably the hardest thing we humans ever have to face. Self compassion is essential.

2. Allow yourself to feel the feelings without judgment or fear.

The feelings of grief are often scary, conflicting and incomprehensible. Many feel they are going crazy. Trying to be strong in the face of this tsunami of painful emotions always makes it worse and leads to prolonged and unresolved grief.

3. Keep breathing.

Focusing on the breath grounds us in the present moment. Yoga or meditation are great ways to release the breath you’ve been holding. Massage is another. Just taking a moment while stopped in traffic to become aware of your breath can calm you.

4. Stop trying to be strong.

Just stop it. Grief does not require us to be strong it requires us to be vulnerable. (I know I don’t like it either but there you have it.) Opening your heart to the pain is the pathway out.

5. Examine any ideas you have about death being a mistake.

Not just this particular death but death in general. Death is as much a part of life as birth even when it happens to someone we love. Just because we don’t like it does not necessarily make it a mistake.

6. Recognize that life is moving forward anyway.

The question is never whether you will move on but how are you going to move on? See The Irony of Moving On

7. Entertain the possibility that you might heal.

You don’t have to believe it but I’d like to invite you to crack the window open a bit. You might find yourself pleasantly surprised. The vast majority of people do heal. Yes they heal with scars but they do heal.

Don’t believe me? Check out this report.

8. Don’t expect this to happen fast.

Time alone is never enough but assimilating the changes grief brings about does take time.

The changes brought about by death are monumental, many times greater than the other major changes we experience in the course of our lives…moving, changing jobs, getting married, having a child. Yet how we respond to those changes may be predictive of how much we’ll struggle with the changes we encounter while grieving.

Make sense? Let me know what you think below.

Photo Credit: Andrea Kratzenberg

Tags: changed by death, grief as a transformative process
Posted in Grief and Loss

Losing a child in Newtown

When losing a child is the result of wanton violence, the response of these parents is truly remarkable.

In this interview Rachel Maddow interviews the parents of Ben Wheeler. Ben was 6 years old when he was gunned down at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut (a month before this interview).

Yes it’s a tear jerker but you won’t be sorry. These parents are role models for how to grieve with courage and purpose.

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Here’s what impressed me so much…

• They are not running away from their grief. It is a palpable presence in this interview.

• They recognize they are still Ben’s parents and that they still have a responsibility to him. Ben is still part of their lives and will remain so.

• They talk about parenting Ben’s older brother and clearly struggle with how to help him through his grief. I’d give them pretty high marks in this.

• Ben’s dad talked about one of the huge ways parents get stuck…feeling responsible even when they clearly bear no responsibility in their son’s death. And he talks about how that pops up in unpredictable ways.

• Even at this early point in their grief, they are transforming their rage into outrage, power and action. Make no mistake that is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Great role models here for anyone struggling with anger.

• They recognize they need to take care of themselves during this process. Though committed to doing whatever they can to prevent another tragedy, they also recognize they have to go slowly because they are grieving.

I’d love to hear your takeaways below. Please leave a comment.